It’s Cancer…

My husband and I were directed to a large room in the hospital the day the lucky surgeon was granted the task of handing out my verdict, and giving us details about surgery.  The wide room was filled with beds and desks.  Furniture was crowded together in every square foot like a stock room.  A jagged walk toward the middle, where we could sit on the edge of one of the beds, faced a desk where the surgeon soon leaned.  “Doesn’t he have an office?”  I couldn’t understand why we were in this strange room, not typical of a meeting with a doctor.  “What could he possibly have to tell me?”

“It’s cancer.”  Those dreaded words.  That’s all I heard, and I suddenly disappeared.  Actually, the doctor and Mariano almost vanished.  We were no longer together in that room, but I was the one that was alone.  There weren’t any more voices around me.  If there were, they were too faint for me to hear what they were saying.

Cancer.  A disease you never think you’ll get.  I don’t know why that is, it’s so common today.  But I was young and I had so many great things going on in my life.  Recently married, new baby, new house… How could this happen?  This is not an uncommon plot.

Whoever came up with those commercials on television, where someone is told they have cancer and the person is physically thrown back, is completely accurate.  That’s exactly how it feels.  It’s as though you’re being struck by lightning or something with so much force it pushes or lifts you away.

By the time the diagnosis reached my ears, I was already halfway into the clouds.  The pathology results merely put me over the edge.  So being taken back, as the commercial described, was more subtle for me.  I was already detached from the situation and from the conversations.  Now I had a glass wall trapping me where I didn’t want to be, and certainly, not all by myself.  I was forced to fight alone.  No one could understand how this has already changed me.

Being in that trance conveyed an impression of watching someone else.  I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t touch, I couldn’t hear.  Something was pulling me away.  Is this the end for me?


Wishing you all health and peace…



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