Rotten Apples

We went apple picking the weekend before my operation.  I remember just wanting to relax that day, so I brought a blanket and lay in the grass by the trees, close to where my family was filling the plastic bags with Macintosh and Cortland apples.  I didn’t want to be far from them, but I needed some time to think about what was happening.  It didn’t seem real.  There was so much running around in the last few weeks for a diagnosis and to prepare for the operation, I never took any time to feel what was going on.  I also wanted to appreciate the last normal moments before I embarked on my difficult journey.

My energy level had already begun deteriorating.  Was it the cancer or were my concerns affecting me already?  Could this be the end for me?  Will I ever see these apple trees again?  Will there ever be an opportunity to lie on the grass and stare at the world around me?  Will I take away from those family gatherings we all loved, if I didn’t make it?  What do I do next?  I need a will.

The next day I went to work and asked Howard,  “How can I get my will done quickly?”  Although it’s more complicated to fulfill, it turns out that a handwritten will is as good as one prepared by a notary.  Much would be frozen until the will could be notarized and approved by the court.  That would mean a much higher cost to legalize my wishes.  At this point, a handwritten will was all I could or would take time for.  I had no concerns about money in what seemed like my final weeks.

It came time to separate myself from my paralegal and administrative work that I loved, so I cleaned up my desk.  I don’t remember big goodbyes at the office, since I thought I’d be returning in a couple of months.

My surgeon told me that following the operation, one could return to work after two months or so.  What he didn’t say was that I would definitely be receiving chemo and radiation, and would be too ill to even think about working.  He’d left that lovely task to the oncologists.


Although it was much needed (and my veggie garden loved the shower), last night’s rain storm left quite a chill.  I told my daughter to think of the sounds as soothing… and they are, until they cause damage around the city. 

I hoped, as I lay in bed awaiting the calm, that the sirens that accompanied the thunder and lightning weren’t anything serious.  As I drove through town today, some trees and numerous tree branches were scattered on lawns and on the roads.  Hope the city plans a clean-up.


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