The Song In My Head

I could barely say a word.  Speaking was at a minimum during this period.  Nausea consumed me already, and talking made it worse.  I often had to cut telephone conversations because I felt the gagging begin.

The children were usually playing and watching television at that time.  They always watched the same shows.  One of their preferred daily entertainment was Barney & Friends.  The big purple dinosaur would gather his friends at the end of the show, and they all sang and gestured the “I Love You” song..  I grew so tired of hearing it, but couldn’t bear to take it away from the kids.

After my ordeal was over and I was less confined to a couch, I would hear the song when Isabella watched it on the weekend.  I was spared during the week, once she was at daycare three days a week in late 2005.  “Oh my God, I can’t take that song any more.”  What a horrible reminder.  I had been brainwashed to feel torture at the sound of those lyrics.  It didn’t have any thing to do with the dinosaur, and I was grateful my daughter had the television, colouring books, and toys to keep her preoccupied.  But there was a sense of disgust from the association of being so sick and forced to watch it.  A similar feeling I get from being in the oncology department on the fourth floor of the hospital – a blistering reminder, even today.

The week following chemotherapy was the worst.  That’s when all the amenities were made available to me – painkillers for whatever would hurt;  nausea pills that didn’t seem to have an effect on me;  mouthwash for the sores that lasted the entire week;  hemorrhoid cream that never eased the pain when the diarrhea came;  and let’s not forget, the bucket for those uncontrollable urges.  I became engrossed with symptoms that seemed to last an eternity.  Day in and day out, I was a zombie to the meds and a slave to the side effects.  The end of each session couldn’t come soon enough.

Lucky me, my menstrual cycle always began when I had my chemo.  For some women, the cycle stops during chemo, but mine never missed a beat!


Have a wonderful day!



4 thoughts on “The Song In My Head

  1. Lorraine

    I chuckled at the idea of you gagging at the sound of the Barney song….Amira would cry every time she heard this song, and cry double if we sang it to her…go figure! Be well xox


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