Praying For Time

Hopefully Isabella learns to accomplish all she sets out to do, and doesn’t let time run her instead.  I try not to spoil her by letting her have every new item on the market or have her way when it isn’t justifiable;  but, I am confident that I give her all my love each day.  When she was a toddler, I remember saying,  “I don’t want to get in the habit of sleeping with her in her bed, so she doesn’t get used to it.  She would have more trouble if I was no longer here.”

If I hadn’t been sick, would that have still been my premise to raising her?  I do wonder whether I’ve prevented her from being traumatized should I have passed.  Have I taught her not to be needy, or have I just missed out?  Even though I’d occasionally give in to my methods, today I have some regrets about not having embraced every moment.  It’s so real that time with your children escapes quickly.  The epitome of good parenting I learned growing up tells me I did well in some of my choices, despite my befuddled rationality.

I love my Isabella more than my own life, and I want to be able to give her a better world, wonderful health, and genuine happiness.  One person alone cannot provide so much perfection for another;  and, in the end, I realize Isabella has to learn to find her own happiness now that she’s older.  Hopefully, the lessons her parents try to teach her, the guidance we endeavour to give her, and the mistakes she and we make, are stepping stones to achieving as close to the best life as possible.  It’s all much harder than we think, but like most parents, I just hope for the best for her.

We all want our children to have only wonderful experiences, but reality has shown that disappointment and health issues are part of life.  It’s important that I teach Isabella how to deal with tragedy as well.  Learning to embrace the good with the bad will make her a happier and stronger person.


I’ve told Isabella and others that having had cancer was a blessing.  I would never have had the same appreciation for life, and the people who share it with me, were it not for that struggle.  It was a wake-up call.  Maybe I was taking life for granted, letting it pass without looking at how to fulfill myself.  What do I want from this life?  What do I need to achieve to feel great about what I leave behind?


What do you wish to teach your children before you die?  Does this affect your daily life or your relationship with them?

Looking forward to your responses!


Enough Already

Wanting to get things done is a two-edged sword, since my ideas are much bigger than I can afford to accomplish.  The bigger projects, which I would never have previously questioned my ability to tackle alone, now require assistance.  Often, even the smaller tasks get pushed aside due to lack of energy.  The pestering troubles Mariano some times, but what am I to do?  I can’t hire a professional for every job around the house.  He certainly won’t agree to that!

We’ve had to learn to live on one salary, and my small government disability pension.  My husband and I never expected life to be this way, but have accepted the limitations.  So when the urge comes to make some changes in the house, I have to work hard just to get Mariano to get into it too – especially where money is involved and if it’s not relating to cars.  It isn’t that I want lavish things or am unreasonable with money;  but if you recall, I mentioned that there are things in our new-ish house that are still not complete.

I detest wasting time, and it’s difficult to discourage such behavior in others.  Even I am guilty of procrastination, and I realize down time is necessary for every one.  There are times when we just have to bite the bullet and get to it.  Isabella, as well, frustrated by the lack of advancement in certain areas of the house, is certainly pushing us along the way.

When I was working, raising Isabella, and taking care of the home, there were things that needed handled on my spare time or projects that needed attending to.  I made time for them, even though I may not have felt like it.  Who else was going to do them?  We have to stop living like we are immortal, put our priorities in perspective, and still find balance with responsibilities as well as desires.


Thanks for tuning in again.  Have a wonderful week!


Lessons And Laughter

As for my daughter, I find myself trying really hard to teach her to be independent.  The probability of my absence in her life has forced me to push her harder than I ever thought I would need to.

Certain lessons are about showing her appreciation for knowledge, being emotionally strong, and learning proper etiquette.  Still today, I have to remind her, “you’ll want your drawers organized like this, so you can easily find what you’re looking for,” “don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and stand up for yourself,” and “even mommy wants to have certain things, but we don’t have to buy every thing we see.”

The latter may have sunk in a little.  When she sees some thing she likes, she’ll point out, “Mommy, I don’t want you to buy it, but come and see this.”  She seems happy even just to show it to me.  Hopefully, that’s how she really feels, or have I given her a manipulation skill?  I am glad to report that I don’t fall into that trap.

In a mother’s view, this may all seem normal.  It’s much deeper than that for me.  Not able to see a secured future – a feeling we don’t understand until we are struck with that real possibility – I want Isabella to learn quickly, in case I am not there tomorrow.  Surely, this has put some strain on her.  I try to stop myself from forcing her to grow up too soon, but my fear of an early demise gets the better of me.

Don’t Waste My Time

When I host a dinner at my house, I tend to eat less.  The energy required to prepare limits my intake and, frankly, the aromas alone fill me up.  This also helps avoid the lengthy digestion in the presence of my guests.  I am able to clear up after dinner without sufferance, so they don’t feel obligated to take care of it.

Timing the preparation sufficiently is important, so I can make room for resting before guests arrive.  Fruit and dessert is prepared in advance, so there is less of my attention required after dinner.

I love having guests over, so I’m constantly finding ways to handle tasks more efficiently.  Meals that don’t need much last minute handling, provides desperately needed downtime.  Making the beds, one side at a time, became a staple once using energy had a greater cost.  Sitting on the couch is preferred when I’m folding laundry.  Every task must be calculated, in order to best preserve calories and energy.


As I learned growing up, “my door is always open” still rings true.

I look forward to seeing you soon!


Shake, Shake, Shake

Often times I’d go to bed before my daughter, who was now two.  I had never had a problem staying awake, but the sleepiness became overwhelming.  The foot stool my sister had bought for me following my knee surgery came in handy again, since my high bed now demanded too much energy to climb into.

My husband would involve Isabella in tucking me into bed.  He would make a game of the liquid food bag he’d hook up to the dispensing machine.   “Shake, shake, shake,”  and he’d take it from her, careful enough not to drop the expensive liquid that would feed me throughout the night.  After he’d connect the bag to the machine’s tube and my J-tube, I’d kiss them goodnight, and fall asleep almost instantaneously.

The one-and-a-half-liter Peptamen nutritional supplement bags ran about six hundred and thirty-four dollars per dozen.  Paying them out of pocket for several weeks was tough;  but eventually, my insurance began to cover these costs.

Since that time, I’ve attempted, probably without success, to help Isabella understand my limitations.  “Mommy, why can’t you play with me?”  Playing was not on my mind.  As much as I wanted to please her, I wasn’t capable.  Even walking around the room for exercise took all my energy.  I watched her grow up that year from a distance, like a stranger, without the connection I longed for – as she did.

As digestion drags me to the couch, the sleepiness takes over instantly.  The process is very evident, and tasking on my body.  Today, I try to fight it some days, but it’s usually too strong.  The rapid metabolism turns my eyes heavy, forcing a nap.  Time and again I’ve had to explain to others, “I’m digesting, and need to rest.”  It’s unfathomable to some, but it’s out of my control.

Digestion time could last up to two hours, and is frustrating for some.  One of my brothers-in-law makes jokes about my getting away with not doing the dishes.  We laugh about it, but I wonder if he knows that I feel guilty about every one having to do things for me, even if it’s just cleaning up after a meal.

That guilt may stem from the constant help I’ve needed from my family since my diagnosis, or the assistance I was never able to provide them post cancer.  It takes me back to that feeling of what I could do for the benevolent sacrifice my mother provided during my treatments.  I know they don’t expect any thing more than for me to be healthy.

Another shooting that took too many innocent lives… when will it end?  We pray for Vegas and all the victims.